• 1. What’s your middle name?
  

Dont have one.

• 2. What are you listening to right now? In general or right now?!
  

A lot of Nirvana and some disney shit.

• 3. What was the last thing you ate?
  

Stir fry which was mushrooms and noodles

• 4. Who was the last person you talked to on the phone?
  

No idea

• 5. Do you drink?
  

Yes. Im a brilliant drunk sometimes.

• 6. Do you smoke?
  

Yep.

• 7. What is the first thing you noticed in someone?
  

Hair. Always hair.

• 8. What is your hair color?
  

Brown with red bits.

• 9. What is your eye color?
  

Brown with brown bits.

• 10. Do you wear contacts/glasses?
  

I wear two pairs of glasses. Im fucking god.

• 11. Dogs or cats?
  

Pussies.

• 12. What’s your favorite animal?
  

Zebra

• 13. What’s your favorite television show?
  

Mighty Boosh or IT Crowd or Father Ted or League of Gentlemen or Peep Show

• 14. What’s your favorite movie?
  

Planet Terror or House of 1000 Corpses or Dumbo or Pokemon or Cannibal Holocaust or Driller Killer

• 15. What’s your favorite band/singer?
  

Crystal Castles. And Axl Rose, he’s awfully cute.

• 16. How old are you?
  

19

• 17. Do you have a crush on anyone? 
  

Oh totally

• 18. What’s your sexual orientation? 

Straight. With a weird drunken night of possible gayness one time which is so WEIRD

• 19. What’s your favorite color?
  

Black

• 20. What was your most embarrassing moment?
  

One time at school my dad made me some sandwiches to take, but i have no idea what was in them because they smelled so gross like rancid flesh or something. I was in an rt class and all the kids were like “TROLOLOL IM A KID… ewww whats that smell?” *casually kick bag under table* then the teacher went “i think there’s a gas leak” and called for the caretaker. That was pretty embarrassing.

• 21. Do you ever wish you were someone else?
  

Sometimes i imagine what it’d be like to be rich or famous.

• 22. What were you like when you were a kid?
  

Lonely. I played a lot of pokemon on my gameboy.

• 23. What would your dream house be like?
  

A cool bedroom of twinkliness above the bed and zebra print sheets and a fridge in the bedroom and also massive ass tv and hmmm i actually like my house.

• 24. What last made you laugh?
  

Katy talking about her ass liking me.

• 25. What is your favorite word?
  

Tangibly, chutzpah, ennui or deetz. If i can get those into a sentence, its a good day.

• 26. What is your least favorite word?
  

Lash.

• 27. What turns you on?
  

Argh just everything.

• 28. What turns you off?
  

Hairyness. Its not the 60’s anymore you hairy hippys. Also i dont like massive boobs, like horrible massive ones. Fat girls. Uglyness? I dont know. I dont have to worry about this question really do i.

• 29. What is your star sign?
  

Capricorn

• 30. What are your favorite books?
  

Cock n Bull by Will Welf. 1984 by George Orwell. A to B and back again by Andy Warhol. Warlock of Love by Marc Bolan.

• 31. Do you have any siblings?
  

3 sisters.

• 32. Do you like to dance?
  

I love to dance!

• 33. What is your definition of cheating?
  

Thinking of someone else in an intimate way :( Why would anyone even think of this, if they want it they shouldnt be with someone.

• 34. Have you ever cheated on someone?
  

Nope.

• 35. Do you regret anything?
  

Oh lots and lots.

• 36. Do you have any phobias?
  

Spiders. Snakes. Dogs.

• 37. Ever broken any bones?
  

Yes sir. My arm.

• 38. Ever come close to death?
  

Yes.

• 39. What is your religion, if any?
  

None but im still looking for something, like i believe in karma but then that probably means i believe in something right? Its horribly confusing.

• 40. Have you ever been to a psychiatrist/therapist?
  

Hmmm

• 41. Are looks important in a relationship?
  

Of course! Thats one of the best bits!

• 42. Are you more like your mom or your dad?
  

Neither.

• 44. Do you have any tattoos?
  

Aha yes.

• 45. Do you have any piercings?
  

I dont really like piercings and stuff.

• 46. How many boyfriends/girlfriends have you had?
  

Just Katy :)

• 47. Have you ever had a crush on a fictional character?
  

No.

• 48. Who is your celebrity crush?
  

Russell Brand, Noel Fielding, Robin Finck.

• 49. Are you a virgin?
  

I am not sir

• 50. Do you get jealous easily?
  

Very easily, but its not a bad type of jealousy because i always try to explain it. Its just because if you love someone that much you cant help but think, “she’s mine i love her i love her”. it just comes out wrong. Im not ashamed of it.

• 51. What is your favorite type of food?
  

Vegetables

• 52. Do you ever want to get married?
  

Yes!

• 53. Who was your first kiss with?
  

I think it was actually a boy come to think of it, we were playing truth or dare, i was always on the receiving end of the fucking gayest dares ever -_-

• 54. Have you ever been cheated on?
  

Nope :)

• 55. What is your idea of the perfect date?
  

Going to the beach when its sunny and getting topless, drinking vodka and red bull and getting a  bit pissed, buying katy an ice cream, going to a japanese sushi bar, laying on some grass in front of a thaj mahal lookalike building, then back to mine to watch kill bill. that was nice.

• 56. Are you an introvert or an extrovert?
  

Depends

• 57. Do you believe in aliens or life on other planets?
  

Totally. I’m a geeky nerd.

• 58. What talent do you wish you’d been born with?
  

To draw. To sing.

• 59. What is your saddest memory?
  

Oh i have some horrible ones :/ I have this one where my mum found out my dad cheated on her and they downstairs arguing and everything fell apart, within 8 hours we’d gone from the most normal family to him moving out. It was the worst day of my life. And another one i did something that was really drastic looking back, to get to that point. What happened.

• 60. Do you believe in love at first sight?
  

Not sure.

• 61. Do you believe in soul mates?
  

I think i do because its like fate.

• 62. Have you ever dyed your hair?
  

Yes!

• 63. Has someone ever spread a nasty rumor about you?
  

Too many times.

• 64. Would you go against your moral code for money?
  

Of course

• 65. What are three things most people don’t know about you?
  

• 66. Who are you jealous of?
  

No one.

• 67. Do you sleep with a stuffed toy?
  

I sleep with a hat, a really tight hoody, 3 t shirts and a jumper.

• 68. How long was your longest relationship?
  

This one.

• 69. Is the glass half empty or half full?
  

Optimist.

• 70. What is the cutest thing someone could ever do for you?
  

She’s done so much for me. Helped me through all my problems. Care about me, thats pretty fucking cute.

• 71. Who is your most loyal friend?
  

(Not including katy) Oh geez. Adam. He’s kinda been there since we were like 12 arguing who was cooler, Led Zep or the Ramones. But Andrew is pretty brilliant. We’ve had some amazing times. Bessie was pretty loyal. I’ve never really been very close to my friends its a shame.

• 72. Are you in a relationship?
  

Yes its brilliant i love it.

Katy Katy scenekid princess and beautiful redhaired midget had made it through the tiny door carried on a wave of her own cider-y tears. She floated through the keyhole and into an ocean, hearing distant sea shanty’s and sailors songs. The ocean was a deep purple colour, covered by a grey stormy sky that looked angry and stole the sun and the moon. 6 lobsters casually rowed past her on a swiss roll followed by a spanish woman shouting “alalala” sitting on an upside down pelican. As she drifted further along the sea a short fat men came in to view rowing a tiny weather beaten boat. One had an afro and a belly made of solid fat and piano keys as teeth. “Do your balls hang low, can you swing them two and through, can you tie them in a knot can you tie them in a bow, do you get a funny feeling when they’re hanging from the ceiling, ohhh you’ll never be a sailor if your balls hang low” they sung in their out of key sailor voices. “i really must get out of this ocean of tears fast” she mused, rubbing her non-existent beard, “or i shall never get home”. Suddenly she was cast forward by an almighty wave, as big as a fish finger. She washed up upon a rocky mound that was covered in people running around a rock again and again and again. “I say you’ll never get dry in the ocean!” shouted T-Bag from upon the rock. “You’ll have to run with the others, its the first rule of the race dont you know” he bellowed as a wave crashed in below him, covering the running mob head to toe in salty tears. “No one could ever get dry this way!” Katy exclaimed baffled. “I’m as dry as a nuns vagina!” said T-Bag from upon his ten foot rock. Katy sighed and joined the others in the never ending race around the rock confused by the whole ordeal, yet being punched in the ass by the pelican. “He’s punching my ass!” said Katy as a pelican headbutted her ass. “This is too weird… even for a weed addled stoner scenekid like me” she realised, and set off whilst the tide was out to the forest… “Come back i say!!” shouted T-Bag, “you’ll miss the race… you, pelican! get your junk away from that rhino…” he said becoming more and more distant…

As she entered the forest of fag trees and cigar bushes and weed plants she felt she was being followed. From the bushes peered two beady tiny eyes like two boiled eggs. “Hello?” she asked but with that the eyes disappeared. She turned around towards the weed plants and was faced by two fat conjoined men, with “Neilio-dee” and “Neilio-dum” written on their badges. “Greetings weary traveler” they both said in unison, almost putting her to sleep. “No offense ya muppets but im kinda busy. I need to buy Robby Rob a Ramones jumper and get out of this shit hole” said Katy. “why?” they asked. “because… well, he wants one”. “Why?” “because… i dont know”. “Ahhh the oysters didnt know did they…” said Neilio-Dee and Neilio-Dum. “The oysters didnt know what?” asked Katy. “Ahh you wouldnt be interested, you’re in much too much of a hurry” they said. “Well i am interested” Katy begged, curious to hear the story of the oysters… “Weeeeeell, *clears throat* the story of the walrus and the carpenter” they begun…

“Once upon a time there was a walrus and a carpenter, walking close at hand. The beach was white from side to side but much too full of sand. ‘Mister Walrus’, said the Carpenter, ‘My brain begins to burke. We’ll sweep this clear in half a year, if you don’t mind the work.’ “Work?! Work??!!” said the walrus, “Uh the time has come to talk of other things. Of shoes and ships and sealing wax, and cabbages and kings. And why the sea is boiling hot, and whether pigs have wings. Calloo, callay, no work today! We’re cabbages and kings” sung the walrus with sheer delight in his walrusy eyes.

He slid down into the ocean towards the oysters, twiddling his grand glorious walrus mustache, adjusting his braces and tapping his monocle. “Oh, uhhh, oysters, come and walk with us. The day is warm and bright! A pleasant walk, a pleasant talk, would be a sheer delight” he sung at the oysters, “Yes, and should we get hungry on the way, we’ll stop and uh… have a bite!” interrupted the carpenter.  But the queen Oyster winked her eye and shook her head. She knew too well this was no time to leave her oyster bed. The walrus was not flustered by her stubborn attitude, beginning his song once more, this time befriending the oysters into his slippery web of lies. “Yes, yes, of course, of course! But eh… haha! The time has come, my little friends, to talk of other things. Of shoes and ships and sealing wax, of cabbages and kings. And why the sea is boiling hot, and whether pigs have wings. Haha! Calloo, callay, come run away!!” he bellowed as the oysters followed him into his seafood restaurant. 

However you should never trust a walrus. For whilst he wined and dined them, leading them into a sense of false security, he sent his carpenter apprentice out back to fetch a loaf of bread. The walrus looked at his 25 oyster prizes and sung “the time has come, my little friends, to talk of food and things!”, whilst out back as he crashed around collecting pots and pans and seasonings and spices the carpenter replied “Of peppercorns and mustard seed and other seasonings. But a walrus is never to be trusted, for when returned the walrus was in a food coma. He let out a fishy burp and his eyes did a guilty shifty action. “Little oysters, little oysters…?” said the carpenter

But answer there came none. And this was scarcely odd, because, they’d been eaten, every one! “Hmm very nice story if you happen to be an oyster” said Katy as she got up to leave the forest. “Wait!! What about our stories!!” shouted the two Neilio’s, and with that Katy set off further into the forest, to continue her quest to find Robby Rob his Ramones jumper…

to be continued

From the erotic depraved mind of RW comes another chilling collection of stories, bring spare trousers! When a young man named Cherry Bakewell catches the midnight train, he encounters a strange wizened gentlemen named Mr Staines. In a strange twist of fate it is revealed Staines is Mr Bakewells new landlord. Staines is also a tarot card reader and proceeds to tell Bakewell 4 stories of pure terror…

In ‘The Ankle Slasher’ a young girl moves in to Highgate House and all is well until one night she hears that an escaped convict is on the loose who has a preference for slashing the ankles of vulnerable girls. Will she escape the knife of this psychopathic predator?

In ‘Ping Pongs Recipe of Terror’, a trainee karate kid moves in to the house to receive training from the ancient wise samurai, Ping Pong. All is not what it seems with this elderly wizard of the martial arts however and it seems that Ping Pong likes the taste of soup… human soup. When the karate kid takes a taste of this satanic stew he goes on a psychedelic trip before waking up in a broth of his own body parts!

In ‘Laughter is the Worst Medicine’, John Lennon is the worst stand up comedian on the comedy circuit. After losing his slot at an open mic night due to the worst heckling the pub has ever seen he decides there is only one thing left to do. Sell his soul to the devil in return for the perfect stand up routine. But a deal with the devil isn’t as simple as it seems. The price..? Performing a stand up set in hell!

And finally in ‘The Garden of Doom’, when Cherry Bakewell moves in to his new home at Highgate House, it appears the house has a severe problem of the leafy kind. After a spot of simple gardening makes problems worse, it seems Bakewell has angered the vines causing them to grow even faster and thicker. And when Bakewell tries to blast them away by burning them they fight back, biting him leaving him infected. Bakewell begins to literally become a plant! Will he ever rid his house of the vicious vines or is his fate sealed to be spent in the garden of doom…?

coming summer 2012

Yesterday was one of those really cliché perfect days where everything seems right and life is actually rather beautiful. A date with the hottest person ever, my girlfriend who was all leg it was brilliant. I like leg. We went to Brighton to drink vodka and red bull on the beach like cool kids. Got really burnt but who cares. I was all topless and showed off my white twigletts it was great and so sunny and happy and i was just nicely tipsy, or pissed to be honest knowing me. Then we took pictures so everyone on facebook can be like “ew rob nipples”. Then we went to moshi moshi which is like this super cool japanese sushi bar where they even have a conveyer belt with really tiny cute sushi dishes going round on it. Oh my god it was so good, like even peppers and courgette tasted good there. I dont know it was a combination of the heat, my girlfriends face being all pretty and me being nicely pished, but it was perfect. Then we went to what appeared to be the Thaj Mahal and got way too intimate before being told to move because it wasnt for the public. After that we went back to mine to watch Kill Bill and have sex and eat a gingerbread house i made her. That was a good date. I liked that date.